I've been nominated for "Circle of Moms" Top 25 Canadian Mom Blogs...would you take a second, hit the button above, and vote for me???
xoxo
(also, I never ever ever come close to winning, but it's still fun to be nominated...ya...that's it)
I Wish I'd Written This...
This has been floating around again - brilliant read about being a mom.
By Carolyn Hax
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Question
Carolyn:
Best friend has child.
Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc.
Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today?
Her: Park, play group . . .
Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.
Tacoma, Wash.
Answer
Relax and enjoy. You're funny.
Or you're lying about having friends with kids.
Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.
Internet searches?
I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.
So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.
It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.
It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.
It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.
Sunday Sanity Saving Tip
Sometimes, doing your hair, dropping the kids off with their grandparents, and heading out to a wedding with your hubs is really worth it. (so is taking a picture of yourself with your hair done so you can prove it isn't perpetually greasy and in a ponytail) (even if it takes over 10 minutes to take the picture because your husband couldn't figure out where to look) (seriously).
Seventh Generation Diaper Donation
I have had the privilege of spending time with a fellow blogger who I really respect- her perspective on bloggers and branding has made me question where I fit in. Who do I want to align myself with and (more importantly) WHY?
It's taken a while to find where I fit, but I believe that working with brands is only important to me if a) I really believe in or utilize the product in real life and feel it will be of some use to those who read my blog OR b) the product/company is willing to give back to those in my community.
Thankfully, Seventh Generation fits into both categories for me.
A few weeks ago, I was able to give away a great prize package of Seventh Generation product (which I use in my home and really enjoy!). Now, Seventh Generation is giving me the opportunity to give back to those who live in my area- those who may not be as fortunate as I am. Currently, Seventh Generation is aiming to reach their goal of giving away up to 240,000 diapers to 40 shelters in Nova Scotia, Quebec, Ontario, Alberta and British Columbia. This means a donation of up to $160,000 in diaper value to a charitable cause that rarely sees corporate assistance. As part of this program, Seventh Generation provided me with four packages of diapers to donate, as part of their Diaper Donation project, to the charity of my choice. Let me give you a bit of background as to why I chose the charity I did...
When I was in university, my closest friend got pregnant. We were in second year. She was studying to become a Pharmacist and was relying on scholarships to get her through. When she found out she was pregnant, the father of the baby left her. He actually left the province, without telling her, and she has never saw him again. Her parents were unwilling or unable to help her- she was truly alone. We were both 19 years old and she was scared as hell. In the end, it was a pregnancy distress centre that helped her reach a decision to give her baby up for adoption, helped her choose an agency and even held her hand as she chose the parents she would give her baby to. It was the hardest thing I have ever seen someone go through- and my 19 year old self was not equipped to be there for her.
After she gave her baby for adoption, my friend moved out West. I moved East a few months later. I haven't talked to her since, but I will never forget those late nights, sitting on the floor of her basement apartment, both crying over the decision that she had to make regarding her unplanned pregnancy and how it would change her forever.
It is because of my friend's experience with a pregnancy distress centre and the support, love, and real information that they were able to give her during the most difficult time in her life that I have chosen to donate diapers to The Pregnancy Help Centre of Durham.- a place that provides the love, support and information that women need when they find themselves unexpectedly pregnant with no where to turn. What I love even more is that this charity provides full support DURING and AFTER pregnancy. Please take a few moments to read about this charity and how they endeavour to support women during the most vulnerable and (often) frightening time of their lives.
Additionally, Seventh Generation is providing YOU with the opportunity to give back through their "Buy One Give One" campaign- read more about this amazing project HERE.
It's not often that I am given the opportunity to touch lives in a real and tangible way- and it was an honour to be able to partner with Seventh Generation to do just that.
Disclosure – I am participating in the Seventh Generation program by Mom Central Canada. I received compensation as a thank you for my participation. The opinions on this blog are my own.
The Second Teaches You So Much
Wow- if I could have had my second baby first, life would have been so much easier. I wouldn't have been nearly as neurotic, and crazy, and sleep-deprived, and obsessive. I would have just slept when I could, eaten what I wanted, fed the babe whenever he wanted it, and allowed stroller naps. I would have had a life of sorts, even if it did revolve around spit-up and poopy diapers.
Having a second baby has completely changed the way I mother. With Z, my first, I just left every semblance of a life behind and devoted day and night to my sleepless baby. I literally kept spreadsheets on what he ate, when he ate, when he went to the bathroom (and what number), when he slept, when he woke up...get the picture? I was obsessed. I don't think I was truly able to enjoy anything about mothering.
Now, with W, I can take a few moments to sit back and really enjoy being a mom to what is very likely my final baby. I can laugh about the gobs of spit-up that landed in my hair the exact moment I was walking out the door, or give W an extra cuddle at 2 a.m. just because I want to. I can let a bit of whining or crying go on while I tidy up legos with Z. I don't feel my entire body tense at the slightest baby noise. I feed when W wants to feed and change when he seems to need it. I don't have a schedule or spreadsheet.
It's amazing how freeing it is to parent without all the contraventions and rules that come with being a first time parent. I don't feel that I have to follow any advice or book or old wives tale. I can just be a mom, and love every minute of the gift that is getting to hang out with my two beautiful boys every single day!
You see, second babies come with an amazing tool- perspective. Perspective you could have never had with your first, even though you so desperately needed it. Perspective allows you to get a handle on your life, on your worries and concerns, on what you believe is really important. As a parent to two, perspective has helped me realize that my kids won't care that I changed their diaper every 2 hours, fed on a schedule and ran on ZERO sleep for months on end. They'll care that I loved them. That's it. They won't care that I did exactly the right amount of tummy time or read them books that would enhance and expand their non-existent vocabulary. They'll care that I loved them. That's it. And isn't that freeing?
Having a second baby has completely changed the way I mother. With Z, my first, I just left every semblance of a life behind and devoted day and night to my sleepless baby. I literally kept spreadsheets on what he ate, when he ate, when he went to the bathroom (and what number), when he slept, when he woke up...get the picture? I was obsessed. I don't think I was truly able to enjoy anything about mothering.
Now, with W, I can take a few moments to sit back and really enjoy being a mom to what is very likely my final baby. I can laugh about the gobs of spit-up that landed in my hair the exact moment I was walking out the door, or give W an extra cuddle at 2 a.m. just because I want to. I can let a bit of whining or crying go on while I tidy up legos with Z. I don't feel my entire body tense at the slightest baby noise. I feed when W wants to feed and change when he seems to need it. I don't have a schedule or spreadsheet.
It's amazing how freeing it is to parent without all the contraventions and rules that come with being a first time parent. I don't feel that I have to follow any advice or book or old wives tale. I can just be a mom, and love every minute of the gift that is getting to hang out with my two beautiful boys every single day!
You see, second babies come with an amazing tool- perspective. Perspective you could have never had with your first, even though you so desperately needed it. Perspective allows you to get a handle on your life, on your worries and concerns, on what you believe is really important. As a parent to two, perspective has helped me realize that my kids won't care that I changed their diaper every 2 hours, fed on a schedule and ran on ZERO sleep for months on end. They'll care that I loved them. That's it. They won't care that I did exactly the right amount of tummy time or read them books that would enhance and expand their non-existent vocabulary. They'll care that I loved them. That's it. And isn't that freeing?
He talks (the video)
W is honestly the cutest, sweetest little munchkin ever. I may be biased. But I doubt it.
He LOVES to chat with me. He could do it all day, I am sure... I don't remember Z ever chatting away to me like this. He is more the take it all in and make sure you're going to be perfect the first time you do it kind of kid. Always has been.
W, on the other hand, seems to be happy to try to copy everything his older brother does. I love our conversations- I'm pretty sure he understands everything I'm saying to him.
Don't believe me? Just watch the video. OH, and your heart will melt into a million little pieces when you watch this. You've been warned!!!
Thank you and a Winner:)
Thank you so much to everyone who read my post yesterday- and all of you who emailed me, messaged me of FB, DMed me on Twitter. Wow. I know how hard it is to tell people that you've had to go through a miscarriage- especially when they might not have known that you were pregnant in the first place.
You are all so strong and amazing and I am so grateful that you allowed me to share a part of my life with you. And that you cared enough to share back.
And now...my BLURB giveaway winner:
Commenter #9: SARA!!!!!! Whoot:) Congrats- can't wait to see what you create:)
When you miscarry
Yesterday, a girl I don't even know miscarried, and it's all I can think about. She's not a friend or collegue, I don't even know her last name, but when I heard her story through the grapevine it brought back every memory of the day I found out that my very first pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage.
I had never planned to write in any detail about my miscarriage. Until yesterday. Because I realized that this girl, who I don't know, was feeling exactly like I did after I lost my first baby. Alone. Scared. Devistated. Angry. Hurt. And, while what I write won't take away a lot of the emotions that one feels after finding out they have lost a pregnancy, maybe it will help her to know that she is not alone.
You feel so much emotion when you find out you're pregnant for the first time. Nothing is more exciting (and nerve-wracking) then that first doctor's appointment. The one that will confirm what all those at-home pregnancy tests have told you. You are really and truly pregnant.
I was 11 weeks pregnant when I went for my very first OBGYN appointment. Everything was looking amazing with my pregnancy thus far. I was sick as a dog, gained weight, felt like crap...you know, all the awesome symptoms of pregnancy. When my doctor went to check the heartbeat of the baby, she had trouble finding it. "No problem," she said. "It's still very early. We'll send you for a quick ultrasound to just double check that everything is ok."
As soon as Chris and I walked out of the doctor's office I turned to him and said, "something's wrong." I knew. He was really sweet and kept telling me that everything would be fine, but I KNEW. I was literally shaking as we went in for an ultrasound. I lay on the table and prayed that the technician would tell me that everything was fine. I was willing her to cheerfully chirp that my baby had a strong heartbeat. But the room was very silent. And she finally said that there was no heartbeat. My pregnancy had stopped at 7 weeks...my body just didn't know it.
I can still remember exactly how I felt, lying on that table, hearing that my baby didn't exist anymore. I left the room and leaned against a wall in the hallway, unable to breathe. I literally felt like the walls were moving in on me and I was gasping to get any air in my lungs. I couldn't think or breathe or move. I had never heard of a missed miscarriage. I had only met one other person that had had a miscarriage. I had no idea what to expect.
In the end, I decided to have a D&C in order to complete the removal of the pregnancy, as my body had not done it on its own. It was the right decision for me. Although it was day surgery, it allowed me to feel a sense of closure and a bit of peace. I bled very little and had almost no recovery time to speak of. In fact, I returned to work the next day.
The next months were spent with a feeling of emptiness and sadness that I had never known. I would tear up for no reason. I had trouble looking at pregnant women. I didn't want to get out of bed on the weekends. I ate three boxes of Flakies in one sitting (thus discovering that I eat my pain...great!). I could not stand people talking to me about my pregnancy that I had lost. It was all too painful.
In hindsight, I wish I had talked more about it. I should have reached out to people who had gone through a similar experience, if only through email. If I had, I would have learned that I was not the only person who had suffered through a missed miscarriage. I was not the only person who felt the darkness and pain of losing a baby before you could even really feel like you knew it. I was not the only person who got angry at God for taking away something that I had wanted and was so excited for. Most importantly, though, that I would get through this and the pain and sadness that a miscarriage left me with would lessen over time.
I have two amazing boys now. But I still cry every single time I hear someone has had to suffer through a miscarriage. I still feel the sadness, not as deeply as I once did, but it's still there and I can picture exactly what other girls are going through as they begin to deal with the loss of their pregnancy.
I hope that they know that they are not alone. They should feel as sad and angry as they need to and take as long as they need to feel ok about what has happened. It is sad to lose a baby. It does make you angry. But please know that you will get through it (even though it doesn't feel like it at the time). And that you are not alone.
I had never planned to write in any detail about my miscarriage. Until yesterday. Because I realized that this girl, who I don't know, was feeling exactly like I did after I lost my first baby. Alone. Scared. Devistated. Angry. Hurt. And, while what I write won't take away a lot of the emotions that one feels after finding out they have lost a pregnancy, maybe it will help her to know that she is not alone.
You feel so much emotion when you find out you're pregnant for the first time. Nothing is more exciting (and nerve-wracking) then that first doctor's appointment. The one that will confirm what all those at-home pregnancy tests have told you. You are really and truly pregnant.
I was 11 weeks pregnant when I went for my very first OBGYN appointment. Everything was looking amazing with my pregnancy thus far. I was sick as a dog, gained weight, felt like crap...you know, all the awesome symptoms of pregnancy. When my doctor went to check the heartbeat of the baby, she had trouble finding it. "No problem," she said. "It's still very early. We'll send you for a quick ultrasound to just double check that everything is ok."
As soon as Chris and I walked out of the doctor's office I turned to him and said, "something's wrong." I knew. He was really sweet and kept telling me that everything would be fine, but I KNEW. I was literally shaking as we went in for an ultrasound. I lay on the table and prayed that the technician would tell me that everything was fine. I was willing her to cheerfully chirp that my baby had a strong heartbeat. But the room was very silent. And she finally said that there was no heartbeat. My pregnancy had stopped at 7 weeks...my body just didn't know it.
I can still remember exactly how I felt, lying on that table, hearing that my baby didn't exist anymore. I left the room and leaned against a wall in the hallway, unable to breathe. I literally felt like the walls were moving in on me and I was gasping to get any air in my lungs. I couldn't think or breathe or move. I had never heard of a missed miscarriage. I had only met one other person that had had a miscarriage. I had no idea what to expect.
In the end, I decided to have a D&C in order to complete the removal of the pregnancy, as my body had not done it on its own. It was the right decision for me. Although it was day surgery, it allowed me to feel a sense of closure and a bit of peace. I bled very little and had almost no recovery time to speak of. In fact, I returned to work the next day.
The next months were spent with a feeling of emptiness and sadness that I had never known. I would tear up for no reason. I had trouble looking at pregnant women. I didn't want to get out of bed on the weekends. I ate three boxes of Flakies in one sitting (thus discovering that I eat my pain...great!). I could not stand people talking to me about my pregnancy that I had lost. It was all too painful.
In hindsight, I wish I had talked more about it. I should have reached out to people who had gone through a similar experience, if only through email. If I had, I would have learned that I was not the only person who had suffered through a missed miscarriage. I was not the only person who felt the darkness and pain of losing a baby before you could even really feel like you knew it. I was not the only person who got angry at God for taking away something that I had wanted and was so excited for. Most importantly, though, that I would get through this and the pain and sadness that a miscarriage left me with would lessen over time.
I have two amazing boys now. But I still cry every single time I hear someone has had to suffer through a miscarriage. I still feel the sadness, not as deeply as I once did, but it's still there and I can picture exactly what other girls are going through as they begin to deal with the loss of their pregnancy.
I hope that they know that they are not alone. They should feel as sad and angry as they need to and take as long as they need to feel ok about what has happened. It is sad to lose a baby. It does make you angry. But please know that you will get through it (even though it doesn't feel like it at the time). And that you are not alone.
Sunday's Sanity Saving Tip
Sleep is important- but sometimes staying up with an old friend & a cup of tea and catching up on life until 1:30am is WAY MORE IMPORTANT. Sometimes they'll feed your soul & give you insight they didn't even realize they were giving you.
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