Letting Them Down

I've had the feeling that I've been letting my kids down recently. 

Real or perceived...it's there.

I don't do crafts very often, we don't bake as much as we used to, our 'free play' (ie: run around and chase each other) is more limited. We have been hemmed in by the spring rains and so gardening and park playing have been almost non-existent. Playdates are less frequent. I send them to the babysitter a little more often than I used to & often ignore them for my phone, which is buzzing with emails and calls daily.

I did want to play pirate ship yesterday. Z, my 4 year old, loves his pirate island. He patiently taught his little brother (who will be TWO in a few weeks!!!!) how to use the cannon and hide the treasure chest. I was on my phone the whole time sorting out some work. W, my wee one, tried very hard to get me to help out but I was super busy- too busy to even look at him. Seems to be the story of my life recently.

I have tried to carve out time that is specifically for them, but have failed of late. They get my half-attention, which usually ends up in yelling or crying, or a combo of both. I know they need/want my undivided attention but, with so much on the go ALL.THE.TIME, it has been hard to give. I want to play and chat and be together but all the other stuff really gets in the way.

They are good kids- despite the 'terrible twos' tantrums and 'fearsome fours' sassiness. They are kind to other kids and decent at sharing. They are unstoppably inquisitive and unfailingly forgiving. I really, really love them and I hope they know that. I hope they know I hate being the boring mom- the mom who is so busy trying to keep everything (house, bills, work- LIFE) together that she often feels drained and emotionally tapped before they even wake up. The mom who wants to give them every enrichment she can but is too exhausted to put a full sentence together at times and lives on two pots of coffee a day. The mom who farms her kids out just so she can get something done, but then feels extreme guilt because she'd rather have those two kiddos at home with her. I hope they know that they are my #1 priority and my life, even though I don't always treat them that way.

Z told me last night that he loves me- I know he means it. W fell asleep in my arms at 3:30 a.m. after he woke up screaming- I know I was his comfort.

But whether warranted or not, I can't shake the feeling that I'm ignoring my kids every time I turn on my computer, pick up my phone, or shift my attention away from them. I can't shake the feeling that I am constantly letting them down.

Get into nature

A long weekend. It's what us working parents long for. Time with our kids, uninterrupted- and so this is what we did. Bliss. Together. Quality. Time. Outside.

Don't Look Up My Blog

I try really hard to never use my full name on my blog. Mostly because I'm scared a potential client will look it up and see everything wrong with it. And not hire me (obviously).

I edit for a living. I write for a living too. I used to teach English for a living.

But I blog for fun. And, as a result, I seldom never edit my blog. In fact, I can't remember the last time I actually read over a post before I hit publish.

Occasionally, my sister will text me and point out a spelling mistake (when she reads my blog...so, like, once every three months). ONE TIME a complete stranger emailed me re: an error in my post and I was mortified. For the next week I tried to watch more carefully but I got over that rather quickly.

You'll find mistakes here. Sometimes big ones. You'll find unsubstantiated thoughts and ideas. You'll find insights that sometimes sound stupid (even to me, should I dare go back to my 2009 posts...what was I thinking???). Sometimes I come off as a total douche. Sometimes I come off as a whiner. Sometimes I come off as a person who was unlikely to have passed Grade 11 English given all the errors in my posts (for the record I have two university degrees. Oof.)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that this space is purely for fun- maybe a bit of writing practice, maybe a bit of cheap therapy, maybe a bit of egotistical self-indulgent back-patting, and maybe a bit of a place where I can whine and complain uninterrupted.

But it's not my writing portfolio. Nor is it indicative of my editing abilities (I'm good, I swear!). It's just my little space- that hopefully doesn't have my name attached to it very often.

On Luck

You're lucky that writing has worked out so easily for you. 

Most people have to work much harder than you to even get the slightest whiff of interest. 

An editor replied within hours of a query? An editor you didn't know? Unheard of!

Who do you know?

Some days I think I am lucky. Some days I think it's mere fate that my writing, fiction and non-fiction, has been published with some regularity. Some days I wonder when my luck will run out and this 'writing thing' will grow stale and I'll stop receiving interest in my words.

But then I remember:

I have been blessed- I cannot deny that. God has allowed me to carve out a successful writing/editing career; a career that sometimes surprises me. But that doesn't mean I don't deserve it and that doesn't mean I haven't worked hard for this. I fully admit that I am often the most flippant about my abilities.

Oh, I just wrote it and sent it in and voila! published.

But the truth is that I have been writing for years. I have been cultivating and learning and failing (a lot). I have been scared and received negative feedback and given up. I have stopped writing for years at a time. I haven't had all 'good luck'.

I think that, when someone else is succeeding (even for a short period of time), it is natural to 'blame' this success on luck, when we should really be 'blaming' this success on preparation, readiness, and talent. Yes, there is a little bit of 'right time right place' involved...but there is a whole lot more of hard work to be found behind any single success.

Luck. It's a good thing. It has sometimes made all the difference in having my words accepted versus rejected. But LUCK doesn't happen by chance and it rarely comes to the unprepared. That's what I'm hanging my hat on today.

Confession: I Used Lysol

Remember back at the beginning of the year when I so boldly stated that I wanted our home to be chemical-free? That I was going to make my own cleaning products for our home? Remember that??

Well, I did it. For three months I was completely natural in my home. I made all my cleaning products- nary a chemical in sight. And you know what? My house looked like crap. It looked dirty. There's no way around it- I could not for the life of me find a 'natural' cleaning product that really did the job. That cleaned the messes left by two little boys, one grown boy, one (very clean and perfect) female and a cat.

We spent the entire winter being sick. Passed from one person to the next, we went through colds and flus followed up by colds and flus. It was a nightmare. I was disinfecting with vinegar and water. I was using baking soda scrubs. I spent hours looking up solutions on the internet. I squeezed lemons (fyi: when you clean with lemon juice it is very very sticky) and cooked up concoctions on my stovetop. I scrubbed and scoured and used all the 'extra elbow grease' that natural cleaning sites advised me was necessary. I did it. I tried.

But last week, I bought an industrial sized box of lysol wipes, because I just couldn't take it anymore. Nothing LOOKED clean. Nothing FELT clean. So I started wiping and de-germing and disinfecting...and my house looks better and feels cleaner and we seem (knock on wood) to have finally rid the household of the germs that took up residence all winter long.

I'm not done with natural cleaners. I actually really like my spray bottle of vinegar and water- it's perfect for a daily kitchen clean-up and bathroom shine. I use hot water and vinegar on my floors and they look fantastic. I don't even mind a squeeze of lemon here and there. But lysol wipes are back for those germy messes. And I bought some toilet bowl cleaner because I live in a house of boys who DESTROY the toilet on a regular basis. And I grabbed some bleach too.

I want my household to be as natural and healthy as possible- I truly truly do. I desire for my kids to be as healthy as possible and to grow up as free from harmful chemicals as I can. But at the same time, I need a clean house; baking soda paste and a scrub brush just were not cutting it, no matter how hard I tried.

So, I ask, how naturally do you clean? How can I balance the need for a clean household (not just a sparkly house but a literally CLEAN home) with the desire to be as chemical-free as possible? How do all you moms out there do it?

SPA WEEK!

Spa Week® by WaySpa is coming to Canada this spring, offering consumers access to the

largest spa & wellness marketing event in the history of the spa industry. This North American phenomenon will be launching in Toronto from April 15 – 21, 2013, allowing Torontonians to enjoy luxury spa packages from various spas across the GTA for just $50.

Since its North American inception in 2004, Spa Week Media Group has been a true pioneer in the spa and wellness industry. Spa Week has made it possible for millions of people across North America to experience the healing and therapeutic benefits of the spa with its Spring and Fall Events’ affordable $50 treatments. Following in America’s footsteps, Spa Week by Wayspa plans to play a major role in opening the Canadian spa world to the masses while diminishing its privileged and exclusive reputation.

Spa Week has proven to benefit more than just the consumer’s pocket. Millions of spa-goers will look to these treatments to enrich their personal health and well-being, rather than just pamper themselves. Whether it’s managing chronic physical conditions, decreasing pain and stress, learning healthy eating habits, achieving weight-loss goals, or just simply improving quality of life, Spa Week offers an extensive menu of wellness services for consumers to better themselves on a budget. From the most modern massage and bodywork techniques to cutting- edge skincare procedures, there’s something for everyone on the Spa Week menu.

“For the past nine years, consumers from all walks of life have felt physical and mental relief and gained tools for healthier living by taking advantage of an abundance of spa and wellness treatments at an affordable price, all made possible by Spa Week,” comments Jeremy Creed, President of WaySpa.com. “WaySpa.com is thrilled to be bringing this bi-annual event to Canadians for the first time and believe Toronto is the perfect city to kick things off.”

Moving into its 18th installation in North America, Spa Week’s Spring 2013 Event will take place in multiple markets during the same week, now including Toronto. Consumers will have the option of indulging at many luxury spas across the GTA including The Shizen Spas at the Cosmopolitan and Pantages Hotel, Novo Spa, and Dove Spa to name a few.

The complete directory of participating spas will launch on Wayspa.com on March 11, 2013, allowing consumers to contact the spas directly to book their services. Given the high demand for services, consumers are advised to book their treatment as far in advance as possible to avoid missing out.

Website: http://www.wayspa.com/en/spaweek 

Twitter: @wayspacom 

Hashtag: #SpaWeekTO

On Slut-Shaming

For as long as I can remember, I have written stories. Often in my mind. Occasionally on paper. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're crap. But they're always there- these stories that at times make it hard for me to think about the real world because my brain is so crowded.

Writing and mothering do not go hand in hand. I need to write when an idea strikes me. 9/10 times, my children need me more than my writing does. Despite this, I am occasionally able to steal a few moments and flesh out an idea- moulding and creating- until it becomes something that strikes me as readable and (if I'm lucky) likeable.

I've had a few brushes with publications. Magazines here and there have picked up a pitch and published my words. I've had two short stories published (the only two I have ever submitted for publication)- one internationally, the second on a smaller scale. I blogged for a national site for two years (was amazing!) and I've had this blog for almost 4 years. Writing is my sanity saver.

A chance twitter interaction with a fellow writer, however, had me rethinking my often stalling writing 'career'. She asked me why I didn't pitch more. Why I didn't TRY harder. Why I wasn't believing in my own worth as a writer. Why I was ok with occasional publication. She pushed me to send out queries to the 'big guys'...to just go for it.

And so I did. Sunday afternoon I snuck away from my hubby and sons and wrote for about an hour. Then I sent it to the biggest guy I could think of.

An hour and a half later I got a one line email in return: 

I can use this.

And with that, I was published in the National Post (both online and in print- page A12 if you're so inclined). And I am so, so thrilled to share my published story (click on the link) with you.  

It was a tough one to write...it was a tough story to hear. I think it is a story that needs to be told, and I am so thankful that I went balls to the wall (as my friend Sherene says) and sent it in.