I can only remember one real mean girl in high school. But, man, she was mean. Bent on discluding me at every turn and making me feel like I didn't belong. Sadly, she was part of my group of friends. Sadly, I never stood up to her or really said anything about her mean girl attitude. Even when she started a petition to get me kicked off the school president ballot (oh, yes she did). Even when she spread completely false rumours about me throughout the school. Even when she went out of her way to have parties and invite everyone but me. Yep, she was a mean girl but thankfully she has been my only real example of a mean girl to date.
But this weekend, I was taken back to that time. I discovered that someone I had considered a friend was going out of her way to make sure I wasn't included and felt like I didn't belong. Inviting friends over but not me. Whispering (yes, are we 12?) behind my back but just loud enough so I could deduce what was being said. And my first reaction was to do exactly what I did in high school- ignore. Pretend it wasn't happening and that I was completely ok. That I didn't even notice her barbs and exclusion.
My second reaction was to blog it. Heh.
When I was in high school, no matter how much my 'mean girl' hurt me, I always had the knowledge that this wasn't it for me. That I would be moving on to bigger and better things and be able to leave that mean girl behind. And I did.
This new mean girl, however, cannot be dropped quite so quickly and easily. I'm not moving any time soon. I'm not dropping my friend group. I'm not leaving behind the amazing life I have cultivated for the past 10 years. So this mean girl and I look to be intertwined for quite some time.
So now I am left at a crossroads- do I confront the mean girl and risk alienating and making the situation worse then it has to be or do I just leave it and hope it works itself out? How quickly 16 year old Sarah can return
But it does beg the question... do women ever really leave highschool? Do they ever get over that need to be catty and cruel and exclude others to make themselves feel more important? Do we ever really 'grow up'?
I think we can grow up...but sadly, some people will wallow in their own insecurities and jealousies for life. And you do know that's why she's doing what she's doing right? Jealous of you. I'm curious though - the other women she's talking too...what do they do? It's hard as you say with the proximity and life etc. I think you need to call her on it though....maybe this will bring up the subject. Although if she's so jealous...she probably won't read your blog. Want me to kick her ass??
ReplyDeleteI don't think she reads my blog, hence the post. A big part of this is that I am not around as much since having Will- so I'm not sure if this 'mean girl' thing is new or if it has been going on for a while and I've just been out of the loop.
DeleteIt was an uncomfortable situation for everyone...except her maybe. I didn't notice anyone else responding to her and no one else went out of their way to make me feel discluded (which is not a word, apparently) so I assume it's just her issue.
Ass kicking, yes please:)
This is one of my biggest issues with female relationships. I don't have many of them, for this exact reason. I have been a target of, and hurt by too many mean girls in the past, that I go into friendships assuming it will happen again (talk about baggage!). I think 99% of women do grow out of this, and realize its stupid and immature and childish. But that 1% that stick to it? They get worse with age. And I think it gets harder for us to handle because 1) you dont think you should have to deal with this crap at our age, and 2)the only ways to deal with it seem to be as childish and the way they are acting, well at least in s frustrated hot headed moment, lol.
ReplyDeleteHave you asked any of the other friends about it? Maybe they would have some insight as to why she is acting this way.
I feel every single word Mo.
DeleteI'm hesitant to make it an issue. I don't want this back and forth and choosing sides, etc. I don't want to make it a 'thing', you know?
However, I would love to know if this has been an ongoing thing or if something happened recently that made her feel this way. I haven't been around much since having Will so I'm out of the loop...
It bothers you enough to blog about it, so I say be courageous, step up to the task and ask her via face to face or email. Do yourself a favour and figure this out for yourself. It will help you to put closure on this issue with her, given the fact that she is a part of your group of friends...
ReplyDeleteI know. I hate confronting people about ANYTHING!
DeleteI'm so worried that Saige will be a target of mean girls or worse yet... one of them. I can't stand how catty our gender can be. I say confront the b*tch with a sugary sweet smile on your face, "I'm sorry but do we have a problem here?". You might feel better. Xo
ReplyDeleteIt's a reason I'm kinda glad I have boys...I don't think they get the full brunt of meanness that girls seem to...
DeleteI think I've resolved, after teetering about what to do, to address it if I notice instances of it occurring again. I rarely confront anyone about anything. I don't know why. But I'm too old to deal with this crud.
Wow seriously? I was so glad to be done highschool to get away from the "mean girls" I cannot believe that there are still women like that (ok maybe I do believe it...I just don't have a lot of female friends for this very reason)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others and confront her... not in front of everyone else (don't stoop to her level) but in private and ask her what's up?
Yes, seriously. I was glad to be away from my "mean girl" but I guess they show up no matter where you are!
DeleteWho needs friends like that!?
ReplyDeleteI would nicely confront her and have the conversation asking what's going on.
unfortunately, she's in my life and can't be dropped:( I think attempt a confrontation in the nicest way possible should I notice this again...
DeleteI agree that you should reach out and confront her and let her know that her actions have upset you. I would talk to her even before it happens again. It may never happen again with you but if you don't confront her she'll think that she can get away with that behaviour in general. In my experience, people like this rarely think they'll be confronted and can quickly change their tune when they are called out in a nice way (embarrassment I think). Does she have kids? I've been guilty before having my own children of accusing people of neglecting their friends when they're in a new relationship or when they have kids. It is hard to understand unless you've been in their shoes. Maybe this is her problem? Anyway...I think girlfriends are so so important. I hope you're able to work things out with this "friend". Good on you though for not getting all real housewives on her ;)
ReplyDeleteI was too in shock to go all real housewives!
DeleteI think it def has something to do with the introduction of kids into the relationship. Most of my friends don't have children and it is kind of weird for them and they often don't get why I'm not around- it's not because I don't want to be...it's because I can't be.
That being said, she's not a 'best' friend and I don't know if I really want to go there. Or maybe I do. I'm so indecisive...
Gawd, I hate stuff like this. Mean girls belong in hilarious Hollywood movies that are written by beautiful, talented women like Tina Fey.
ReplyDeleteMaybe ask yourself "What would Tina Fey do?" She probably wouldn't let this woman get away with acting this way, and neither should you.
You seem like a pretty level-headed person, so I'm sure you can approach her with class (even though I would question if she has any) and try to resolve the (i.e. her) issue.
Good luck! Hugs from the blogosphere ;-)
Thanks Kathleen. It's just a weird situation, all around. I'm hoping I can steady myself to say something if it was to happen again.
DeleteWhat would Tina Fey do is going to be my new mantra. I LOVE THIS!
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ReplyDeleteWho needs friends like that!?
ReplyDeleteI would nicely confront her and have the conversation asking what's going on.
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