When a friend dies...

A friend died this weekend. 

She was in her early 30s. She was {as far as we knew} healthy. She died while working at a job she loved and was passionate about.

We don't know exactly why or how she died. We might never know.

But we do know that she is gone. 

I'm having a really hard time processing all of this. It doesn't feel real; it feels like I'm floating in some weird dream that I'm going to wake up from, with nothing in life changed. But I know that's not reality, because she is actually gone. In a literal blink of an eye, she was taken from this world and there was nothing any of us - those who are left here in numbness and shock - could have done to prepare ourselves. In fact, there is nothing she could have done to prepare - she was just gone.

I don't really know the right way to grieve. I don't even know the right way to think right now. 
My mind is muddled. 

I should have checked in with her more often and just chatted (even on Facebook). How can she really be dead? I should have taken up her offer to go for a day trip with her so we could catch up. What if she was sick and none of us knew? I should have, I should have, I should have. What if it was me? She is gone. 

What I know is that she was and is loved. She was bright and fun and shiny. She had a sharp mind, she loved to camp and travel, and she was so excited about her future. She was an awesome aunt, a fantastic co-worker, and a great friend.  She made a difference in more lives than she will ever know. 

And, as incomprehensible as it is to type this let alone think it, she is gone.